Enough

Sometimes, you draw from experiences which you come across everyday, and sometimes, you shun those which give you fear, insecurity and sadness. Let's face it, no one likes to tread along such experiences.

Those past two unexpected experiences brought out my unexpected feelings. At that moment, I felt like putting on an invisible cloak and pass her by silently... h3ll, my existence could have always been like that all along with her anyway. Prolly, I'm just worth nothing...

And I was thinking, why should it be my problem? It's my problem she can't see the good in me? What gives? Another one of those warped logic.

I'm saying all this now. But at those moments, be it last time or when I saw her again... Everything just feels so strangely different, and I would disagree with my current myself.

"People are fearful to care as much because they are afraid the other party may not care as much as they do."

Ever since I laid eyes on this fact, I began to grow more and more closer to it. Maybe 'cos I touched it myself. Why should I care as much for somebody who don't give a damn? Haha! Can I just laugh at myself? 'Cos be it a natural instinct for a guy or should I say, a human, I or We still do.

Care first and get hurt later. My slogan for the moment. Prolly the latter may not always come true but that doesn't mean they never come true. We are all such silly beings; we go plunging down into the ravine when we know that somebody may not be there to catch us. But we play on that word 'may', and take a gamble and pray, hope, wish or whatever that we can close that chapter of the book with a happy ending.

After losing my gamble, well, I'm afraid now. Honestly, deep down, I'm afraid. Call me a weakling! Call me a sore loser! Call me a lousy guy! Call me stupid! Really, I force myself not to care that much for another simply 'cos they may not care as much as I do. It's like this tourniquet I entwined around my hart, to stop the blood or feelings from flowing out again. For now, I know it'll make my Life feel so much easier.

I have friends who seemingly form a crush with every girl they meet. Correction, with almost every girl they spend time with. It's like there's this long queue that stretches forever. I'm not really capable of that. If love strikes at the hart so often, I think it isn't something so special anymore, isn't it?

Prolly, the last time, I've really touched something that tender and sweet with her which I've not been able to put my finger on again. Right at that moment, even though, it could only have been my first time falling, reaching out and caring for that someone, I could have touched that actual thing. Whatever it is... it was there.

This small insignificant and so significant difference makes a whole lot of difference in everything. And that's the tiny difference I'm prolly looking for again. I can't really explain it that explicitly, it's one of those things you've gotta experience in Life to know what the h3ll I'm talking about now. It may even be defined differently for everyone. Just gotta look for ya own definition.

I think... I know I've found mine. What's left is that someone to fulfill that difference and stand on my definition.

This difference would apply across everyone I will meet. There would be no more excuse or reason that 'cos she resembles her, that's why I like her. So who are you loving again? It's really unfair to the other party whom has unknowingly just stood in the shadow of another. What if one day the light goes off? And the shadow is gone? What you see is what you get. So the loving stops there and then? Or do you pretend that things should just go on as it is 'cos it has been going on as it?

If you don't get it yet, this is an extremely painful experience for the other party. Their sense of existence, self-worth and uniqueness will take a blow.

With that difference which I feel about another, screw the light and the shadows. She would be standing on her own in my own realm. A difference never changes. Ever.

I'm glad she had allowed me to discover that and understand a little more about myself. Unknown to some, but the arrival of her in my Life led to the opening of my hart and I realised that hey, I really liked the English Language and the way the words and writing touches other people in a unique and private way.

Actually, I've put everything behind me. But from time to time, I guess such things catch up to you for a while, just like the past consecutive two days. And then, they lag behind again as you shake them off. I ask myself -

Why should I have that strange fear of her? Why should I avoid her like the plague? Why can't I rush up and say a mere 'hi'? Or a 'how are you doing'? Will there be anything wrong in that? Things come and things go.

Regarding everything about her, I feel I've been shortchanging myself too much; putting myself beneath her. Not her fault, it's just me. She always been so non-chalant about me anyway. I'm sure there'll be that difference in me which another girl will come along and notice in me, maybe hopefully, me in her.

Does everything happen for a reason?

I think so. Without meeting her for those brief moments after so long a time without making contact with one another, I'll never realize her existence has been tagging along with me for so many years. I have chosen to shy away from this fear of her, thinking I'm doing oh-so-well emotionally, all the while denying like an insane guy, that I don't give a damn about her anymore. Alas, denial doesn't work at all. 'Cos I seriously do give quite alot of damn about her although no one knows.

But that's enough. I'll not throw myself off for her. I see her standing at the top of the ravine now. She'll never be standing at the bottom. I'll appreciate the moment more if I have the chance to see her again. It could be rare but it will be special. I'll personally find out how she's doing this time; no more sickening slo-mos anymore. Facing her again means dragging that 'little' me out of some secluded corner in my hart and for once, maybe I'll co-exist with him, ya.

She once happened in my Life; She once sparked off something unknown in me; She once gave me the chance to care. Now, she is once an old difference to me. Someday, I'll bump into another girl with my defined difference.

Haha! I've never once gave this thing so much thought before. 'Cos I've never actually bothered to confide this topic of conversation with anyone before, (rather ashamed of that to all my friends who bother to open up and confide in me. Ar geex... can I say sorry?). All the while, all this running away, I guess it's time for her shadow to stop sticking to mine. It's time for someone else to walk with me, or I'll carry her instead if she's tired. Lol. =P

Hm, prolly everything does happen for a reason, maybe that everything has led all the way down to why I'm sitting down here in the afternoon, typing this really long entry which I think few will make it through its ranting contents to the end. The more I think about it, strangely, the past two days seem... special. For the fact that it was rather rare. Imagine meeting that once-special person two days in two places in a row?

Will I bump into a difference again? Maybe around the next corner? After so long? Hm, probably...

This is my train of thought and you have just arrived at the last station of everything, I guess.

Miraculously, this train had been running for so long, so long. I think it had enough too, like me. It's time for it to come to this last station and retire from the scene. It feels good to think everything through and know that you have allowed things to come to a small tiny '.' .

Moving on? haha! Yup, moving on.

I suppose I still have my tourniquet on. I have a friend asking me what a 'tourniquet' is this afternoon. It's an improvised thing used in first aid. It's improvised 'cos the whole system works as a tourniquet. You tie the bandage in a certain way, insert a stick-like thing (like a pen.) in it and simply twist to tighten. It's mainly used to stop the bleeding or the blood from flowing to other parts of the body. For example, maybe to prevent the spread of venom if you get a snake bite. I was from St. Johns so I know a little. Lol.

A tourniquet is seldom used 'cos it hurts alot and not very healthy for a part of the body to have a lack in blood. That's why it's called first aid, still gotta wait for the ambulance to arrive.

End.